iNeed You
by StoryTeller125
Summary: This is an AU story set a week after I Saved Your Life. Carly stands vigil at Freddie's hospital bed, are her prayer's answered? What comes next?
1. Carly's Vigil

Carly woke up suddenly from a very deep sleep; she had been having a quite vivid dream. She was confused as to her surroundings, she was in a dark room that was not her bedroom; and then as the confusion of deep sleep began to fade she remembered where she was. She was next to Freddie in his hospital room. It had been eight days since he had been hit by the taco truck while saving her life. They had been the eight longest days of her life.

She looked at her watch to see what time it was; 11:30 p.m., she had been sleeping for only 90 minutes she estimated. She thought about her dream; it had been so real, she could have thought that was reality instead of her present situation. The dream itself was bittersweet and odd in places. Bitter in that she and Freddie had dated for a bit and then stopped, sweet in that Freddie was recovered from his injuries and alive and healthy. Very odd in other details; Sam as a pageant girl probably topped the list. Did they also meet Ginger Fox and Bigfoot? She shook her head; sometimes dreams could be so bizarre.

Still, she would give anything to be living in that dream. Freddie was recovered and seemingly happy; she thought she would still have a chance to rekindle their romance. Here in the real world there were no such assurances. She looked over at Freddie; his body was broken in so many places and there was no guarantee that he would ever wake up. And it was all because of her; her inattentiveness, her stupidity, her carelessness.

She started to cry as she thought over the list of Freddie's injuries. Both of his legs had been shattered. Three operations had already been performed on them in the previous week. The doctors felt confident his left leg would be ok, but there was still a chance he would lose his right one. He had broken his right wrist and right collarbone. He had suffered a severe concussion; one operation had been done to relieve pressure on his brain. Then there were his internal injuries; a collapsed lung, a bruised kidney and the loss of his spleen. To top it off, Freddie had been in a coma since the accident and there was no telling when he would wake up. The doctors had said they could detect no physical evidence of brain damage, but there was no clue as to when he might come out of the coma. It could be any minute or any year; there was a chance he would never wake up at all.

Carly stood up and stretched; she went into the washroom and got a cool, wet washcloth. She wiped Freddie's brow, being careful not to get the bandages around his head wet. Freddie had always preferred to be cool rather than hot and she thought this might make him more comfortable. She gently wiped his cheeks, chin and around his jaw line. She gave him soft, gentle kisses on his cheek and around his eyes. Both of his eyes were blackened as a result of his concussion. She put the washcloth back in the washroom and took her place in the chair next to Freddie's hospital bed on the left side.

She had refused to leave Freddie at all after the accident. Since he had moved into his regular hospital room Carly had become a permanent fixture there. She refused to go to school and pitched a major fit when told she had to leave when visiting hours ended. She screamed, yelled and threatened to attack anyone who forced her to leave. Eventually Mrs. Benson consented to allow Carly to stay with Freddie through the night. Spencer or Sam would bring Carly a change of clothes and she would take a quick shower in the bathroom of Freddie's room. Sam would also bring Carly her homework and she did her best to work on it during the day when Mrs. Benson was visiting as well.

Carly lowered the hand-rail on the side of Freddie's bed so she could get closer to him. She took his left hand in her own and began to speak to him. "Freddie, please wake up. Please…for me?" Tears began to fall down her cheeks, just the latest of many that had fallen in the past eight days. "Freddie, I need you, please wake up. I'm so sorry about everything. I'm sorry I walked out into the street in front of that truck. I'm sorry I ever let Sam pick on you. I'm sorry I didn't say yes the first time you asked me to be your girlfriend in the 6th grade."

"Freddie, I love you so much. I have been such a fool; I should have admitted that I love you when we danced together in the Groovy Smoothie. Having your arms around me, my head in the crook of your neck; it all felt so right, so perfect. Just like we were two jigsaw puzzle pieces that fit together."

"I had a dream where you got better from this and we dated, but we stopped because you thought maybe I didn't love you, but just loved what you had done. In my dream you were willing to sacrifice your own happiness just on the chance that I didn't return your feelings. Please believe me that is not true. Freddie, I have loved you for so long, I was just afraid to admit it. You are the perfect man, and I didn't think I deserved you. I pined after boys who could never be as good as you; I dated bad boys precisely because they were not like you. Maybe I thought I needed to be punished because of the times I had rejected you. Please believe me, Freddie, you are the only man I want to share my life with."

"Freddie, I need you to wake up so I can show you just how much I love you; so I can make up for all of our lost time. Freddie, if you don't make it through this I don't know if I can go on without you. You are so important to me; my life would be meaningless if you were no longer a part of it. Without you my soul is incomplete; it will not be able to survive without you."

Carly kissed Freddie's hand. "I'm begging you Freddie, if you can hear me, please wake up. Please." Carly held Freddie's hand close to her face. After a while she placed it next to him on the bed. Carly thought there was one thing she had yet to try and decided to give it a shot.

She kneeled down on the floor next to the bed, folded her hands together, bowed her head, and began to pray. "Hello, God, this is me Carly Shay. I've never tried to speak with you like this before, I'm sorry about that now, but I have something very important to ask. The man next to me is Freddie Benson; he is the most perfect person in the world. He is kind, considerate, understanding; he cares about other people even more than he cares about himself. He is sweet, charming, and funny; I love him so much. I love him more than any other person in the world, even myself."

"You see, right now Freddie is hurt pretty badly and it's my fault. I wasn't paying attention as I was crossing the street and a truck was about to run me down. Freddie pushed me out of the way so I wouldn't get hurt, but the truck hit him instead. He risked his own life for me and now he is lying in a coma with horrific injuries. Freddie doesn't deserve this; he is too special, too kind, to have to die like this. If anybody should be in that bed it's me, I deserve to be lying in a coma on the verge of death. This is my entire fault; if you have to punish anyone, please punish me."

"Please God, please; I'll do anything you want, anything you ask if you'll just let Freddie wake up. Please let me have the chance to nurse him, care for him, and love him. I promise I will never disappoint him or hurt him ever again. I need him, I can't live without him. He is the one person who gives my life meaning, I don't know what I'll do if he dies. Please, God, spare him; please I beg of you. Amen."

Carly got up and sat back down in her chair; turning it so that it was perpendicular to Freddie's bed. She leaned forward and rested her head on his chest and began to cry. Hearing Freddie's steady heartbeat comforted her, though she still sobbed enough to soak his hospital gown with her tears, and she finally fell back asleep.

Eventually, sometime during the night, she was awoken again by someone stroking her hair. Before she could open her eyes and turn her head, she heard a steady but weak voice call out to her, "C…Carly, is that you?" Carly smiled, her prayers had been answered.


	2. Freddie Awakens

**This story was originally conceived as a short oneshot and stayed that way for almost a year. A friend of mine, Sara, enjoyed it so much that she wanted to read more. It is for her that I am writing these chapters; the story is now going to be a three chapter endeavor. What follows is the second chapter. I hope you enjoy, you have Sara to thank. If you are curious you should follow her on Twitter at saradotta. You can also read her stories here that she publishes under the name Dottynha.**

* * *

"Where am I? What happened?" Freddie's voice brought Carly to full attention out of her sleep. "Carly, is that you?"

Carly rose and turned her head to Freddie. "Freddie, you're awake." Carly carefully wrapped her arms around Freddie, "You have no idea how happy I am."

Freddie was still confused, "What happened?"

Before Carly could answer a nurse came into the hospital room, alerted by the change in Freddie's vital signs. She quickly stepped to the side of Freddie's bed and Carly moved out of the way to give her room. "Mr. Benson, how are you feeling," she asked as she took his wrist in her hand.

"I'm confused. I'm in the hospital, but I don't remember how I got here." Freddie's voice was getting stronger but was uncomfortably dry. With the nurse's permission Carly got him a cup of cold water. As he was sipping his water a doctor he did not recognize came into the room.

"Freddie, I'm Dr. Janssen," he was looking over some charts Freddie assumed were his. "It's nice to see you're back with us. How do you feel?"

Dr. Janssen took up position on the other side of Freddie's bed. Dr. Janssen was in his mid 30's, but looked younger. It occurred to Freddie that he must have been too young to be a doctor, but he didn't feel he was in any position to argue. "To be honest I feel kind of numb all over."

Dr. Janssen took out a pen light and examined Freddie's corneas. "That's understandable; you are on some strong pain medication. Ok, see if you can follow the light?" Satisfied, he continued, "So what's the last thing that you remember?"

Freddie thought hard while Dr. Janssen, the nurse and Carly waited anxiously. "I…uh…I remember getting ready to film something for iCarly. We were…filming," Freddie concentrated as hard as he could, "We were filming something outside. That's the last thing I remember."

Carly was somewhat crestfallen but didn't say anything and did her best to keep it from showing on her face. Dr. Janssen did not seem too concerned. "That's fine, it's normal after something like that to have some memory loss near the actual event. Can you remember your middle name?"

"Karl," Freddie answered immediately.

"Where do you live?"

"Bushwell Plaza."

"Who's the President of the United States?"

"Barack Obama."

"Do you know what year it is?"

"2010."

"Good. What's your girlfriend's name?"

The question threw Freddie and he had to think for a moment. "I don't have a girlfriend."

Dr. Janssen couldn't help from smiling. "Very good. It was a trick question," he motioned towards Carly standing off to the side, "though that might be changing soon."

Freddie shifted his attention to Carly. Now that his mind was clearing it seemed odd to him that Carly was with him. He noticed from the clock that it was near 2:00a.m., very late. The fact that Carly was blushing slightly puzzled him. He wondered just what happened to him. "Doctor, just what happened to me?"

Dr. Janssen answered without hesitating, "You were hit by a truck. You suffered some terrible injuries and been in a coma for the past eight days."

Freddie finally took notice that he was unable to move his legs. "Am I paralyzed?"

Dr. Janssen shook his head as a single tear welled up in Carly's right eye. "No, but your legs were crushed. We have performed multiple operations on them. We're pretty sure your left leg will recover, but I can't lie to you, we don't know about your right leg yet."

Freddie was horror-stricken. "You're going to cut off my right leg?"

"No, not necessarily, we just don't know yet. We're hopeful another operation may save it. Let's stay positive on that. Your wrist will heal completely and your collarbone should be fine. There was pressure building up on your brain but we've taken care of that. Likewise, your internal injuries should heal completely, though we did have to remove your spleen."

Freddie had no idea what a spleen did and wasn't sure if he'd ever miss it. The whole list of injuries was completely overwhelming to him and he visibly slumped. "I…I don't know what to say now."

Dr. Janssen smiled apologetically, "It's a lot to take in right now, especially since you've just woken up after a weeklong coma. Tell you what," again he motioned towards Carly, "I'll go call your mother now and let her know what's happened. I'll let Carly fill you in on what happened. She's refused to leave your side since you've been here. You could do a lot worse for someone to nurse you back to health."

Dr. Janssen and the night duty nurse quickly left the room, leaving Carly and Freddie alone together. Freddie couldn't believe everything that was broken on and within him. He looked hard at Carly, "Carly, what happened?"

Carly sighed and pulled the chair close to Freddie's bed again and sat down. She found she couldn't look directly at him; her shame and grief proving too difficult to overcome. She wanted to be strong but found herself sobbing instead. After a few anxious moments Freddie reached out for her and she hesitatingly took his uninjured left hand inside both of her own.

"Carly, whatever happened, you can tell me. I need to know, please." Carly kept her head down, her tears flowing freely. "Please look at me Carls. This is important."

Carly finally managed to summon the courage to look at Freddie again. Once it had become apparent that Freddie did not remember what had happened, the guilt and shame she had managed to keep submerged beneath her concern for his health came rushing to the surface like an exploding geyser. "I'm so sorry; you're here because of me. This is my fault."

Freddie wasn't sure what she meant. "What happened? How could this be your entire fault?"

Carly wiped her tears away with the back of her left hand. "Yes, this is my fault. We were taping a dare for iCarly that day. I was supposed to offer to brush people's teeth while wearing a bunny suit." Carly paused; she never imagined how difficult this part could be. "After we were done, on the way back up to Bushwell, I crossed the street without paying attention. I was crossing against the light while a taco truck came through the intersection. You and Sam were well behind me and tried calling to me but I couldn't hear with the suit covering my ears." Carly started crying again.

"It's ok Carly, you can go on." Freddie squeezed Carly's hand to encourage her.

Carly took a moment to bring her breathing under control and then continued. "When you saw I couldn't hear, you ran after me and pushed me out of the way of the truck. Unfortunately you couldn't get out of the way in time. The truck hit you and…" That was all Carly could manage.

"And now I'm here." Carly slowly nodded her head as Freddie continued, "And that's why you think this is all your fault."

"Isn't it? If I had just looked before crossing that street you wouldn't be here now. You'd be fine, you wouldn't be hurt and..."

"You could very well be dead now," Freddie interrupted. "I don't care what happens to me, as long as you're alive and well I don't care."

"Freddie, I don't know what to say. All this time I've been waiting here for you to wake up, I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to tell you, and now I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry about this, God I'm so sorry."

"It's ok, it really is. I'll get better, what's important to me is that you're safe. That's all that matters to me." Freddie made his point as emphatically as possible then slumped back into his bed. He found himself more tired than he would have thought after being comatose for eight days.

Carly had no idea how to reply to that. She decided that nothing she could say could adequately convey her feelings. Instead she quickly leaned in and kissed Freddie deeply on the lips.

Neither of them had any idea how long they were kissing when they were interrupted by the night duty nurse, who's name it turned out as Nancy. "Excuse me," Nancy began sheepishly, "Freddie your mother is on her way now. She's anxious to see you." Nancy couldn't help but smile, "She said she'd be here in roughly 15 minutes. How about if I leave the two of you alone until she gets here?"

* * *

It was close to ten in the morning when Carly woke up in her own bedroom. After so many nights in Freddie's hospital room it felt downright weird to sleep in her own bed. She hadn't really wanted to leave Freddie at all, but after his mother got to the hospital she decided to give them some privacy. For someone as overprotective as Mrs. Benson the entire ordeal of Freddie's hospitalization was nearly unbearable. The least Carly could do was give them time together.

Carly arrived home close to three in the morning. She was too excited to keep the news of Freddie waking up to herself and immediately woke Spencer up to tell him. While he was glad to hear about Freddie, it was the middle of the night, and Spencer went back to sleep quickly. He did recommend that Carly get some sleep herself and call Sam later after waking up.

Carly reached for her cell phone and dialed Sam's number without even looking. Ten in the morning was early for Sam on a Saturday, but Carly didn't care if she woke her up. She was sure Sam would want to know about Freddie right away. Even though they fought often, Sam did care about him very much like a brother and was worried about his welfare nearly as much as her.

"Carly, is that you?" Sam wasn't quite awake yet and her voice reflected that.

"Sam, Freddie woke up. We talked for a bit." Carly was excited and blurted the words out quickly. Most people wouldn't have been able to understand Carly in that moment, but Sam had had plenty of practice talking to Carly when she was hyper-excited and knew exactly what she'd said.

"That's great. Can we go see him?" Sam's voice lost all traces of sleepiness.

"Yes. How fast can you get here? We can go over to the hospital together."

"Are you home? I can be there in an hour, 45 minutes if I push it."

"Yes, I came home after Freddie's mother got to the hospital. Push it; I want to get there as soon as we can."

True to her word Sam came barging into the Shay's loft in 40 minutes. Carly was waiting for her on the living room couch and was up on her feet before the door even closed. She grabbed Sam by the arm and steered her back towards the door. "Come on Spencer, we're ready to go." Spencer was going to drive them over and say a quick hello to Freddie.

"Hold it Carls, I haven't eaten yet. Can I grab something before we go?"

Carly had expected Sam to be hungry and pulled a muffin out of her purse. "Eat this on the way."

* * *

After spending eight days in the hospital Carly could have found her way to Freddie's room with her eyes shut. She quickly and confidently led Sam and Spencer there now. Upon entering his room, however, she was in for a shock. It was empty. Freddie was gone; the bed was empty and freshly made. His get well cards and flowers were cleaned out. It was as if he had never occupied the room. For a second Carly thought maybe they had gone to the wrong room after all. An inspection of the room number showed that they were in Freddie's room.

Carly was standing with Sam and Spencer wondering why they had moved him to another room when a young nurse came into the room. "Excuse me," Carly asked, "can you tell me what happened to Freddie Benson? He was in this room."

The young nurse was new at her job and meant well, but had yet to master the art of giving bad news tactfully. "Oh, the teenage boy? He died this morning." She turned and left the room, leaving Carly, Sam and Spencer in a state of shock.

Carly couldn't believe it. Freddie had been fine less than eight hours earlier. She hurried out after the nurse only to find no trace of her in the hallway. Spencer and Sam followed after her and together the three of them stood looking for someone who could provide them some answers.

The night nurse, Nancy, had stayed after her shift to help finish some paperwork. She was leaving and saying her goodbyes when she noticed Carly standing in the hallway with all of the color drained from her face. She immediately knew what must have happened and rushed over to Carly's side.

Carly saw her approach and met her halfway. "What happened to Freddie? He was fine, he was going to be ok." Carly tried not to scream but her voice was noticeably loud, she was barely able to control herself.

Nurse Nancy put her hand on Carly's shoulder. "Freddie developed a blood clot that couldn't be detected. This morning close to six the clot broke free and traveled up to his brain." Nancy paused before continuing, a look of genuine sadness on her face, "there was nothing that anyone could do. It happened too quickly. I know this doesn't really help, but Freddie died without any pain. It was fast and he didn't suffer."

Nancy left then; Carly completely devastated. She had no idea what to think or what to do. She could barely function at that point. She found herself moving, but did not realize she was walking, being led by each arm; Spencer on her left and Sam on her right. The three of them wound up outside a waiting room at the end of the hallway. Inside were Mrs. Benson and a woman that neither Sam nor Carly recognized but Spencer knew to be her sister.

Spencer walked into the room to give his condolences with Sam close behind. Carly stayed back a moment then cautiously entered. After a couple steps Mrs. Benson and Carly briefly made eye contact. The eye contact only lasted a moment, but to Carly it seemed to go on forever. In that moment Mrs. Benson's visage changed, from Carly's point of view, from one of grief to one of pure hatred. The moment passed and Mrs. Benson resumed her grieving, but Carly knew that in her heart, Mrs. Benson held her responsible for the death of Freddie. Carly had a very hard time disagreeing with her at that moment in time herself.


	3. Aftermath and Conclusion

**Here is the final chapter. I hope you like it. This truly was only meant to be a very short oneshot, but I was encouraged to expand on it. You can thank Dottynha for that. You can follow her on twitter saradotta. You can also follow me on twitter storyteller125. Please feel free to review; I encourage feedback, both positive and negative.**

* * *

_Carly Shay perched precariously on top of Freddie's tech cart. She had removed all of his equipment and pushed it underneath the high beam in the iCarly studio. In front of her was a noose fashioned from some sturdy rope Spencer kept around the loft. It had taken some time and a lot of trial and error to get the noose to just the right height. _

_Carly's face was impassive and betrayed no emotion whatsoever. No anger, no sadness, no guilt, no remorse and no tears. Carly had cried so much over the last few weeks that there were just no more tears left to shed. If Carly was feeling anything it was a grim determination to do this, to make things right and to atone for her sins._

_She maneuvered her head inside the circle of rope and pulled the cord a little tighter around her neck. Finally she was ready; she gave a quick thought to Spencer and Sam but quickly put it out of her head. It was time for her to make things right, to pay for her mistakes._

_Deftly, Carly pushed the tech cart over with her feet so it fell out of her reach. She plunged straight down and the rope cinched firmly around her neck, digging tightly into the soft flesh of her neck. Out of reflex she grabbed at her neck and struggled momentarily, but at no time did she have any second thoughts. Quickly her air gave out and she stopped struggling; shortly after that darkness over came her….._

Carly woke up and sat upright in bed. Her breath was ragged and she was covered in sweat. It took a moment for her to get her bearings. She rarely woke up from a dream so abruptly. It was almost three in the morning, barely 12 hours after Freddie's funeral. Pushing back the covers she rose out of bed and carefully tip-toed across her bedroom towards the door. Sam was sleeping on the couch in her room and she didn't want to wake her up.

Turning on the light in the bathroom Carly examined her face carefully. There were dark circles under eyes and her skin was extremely pale. Her mouth frowned slightly; it appeared to her that a dark cloud of sadness and melancholy was permanently etched on her face. She could not remember the last time she had laughed or felt any joy. She turned on the cold water and splashed some on her face hoping that would cool her down.

Quietly she stepped back into her room only to find the stealth unnecessary. Sam was sitting up on the couch waiting for her. In the semi-darkness of the room Carly could hardly see her, but she heard her when she called out, "You ok Carls? I heard you wake up."

Carly sat down next to Sam on the couch. "Yeah, I just had a bad dream."

"What was it about?"

Sam asked innocently, and Carly was about to tell her the truth, but instead she lied, "It was about Freddie. I miss him."

Carly wasn't exactly sure why she lied to Sam. She had spent every night with Carly since Freddie's death; she must have been afraid to leave her alone. Would it be shocking if she knew her best friend had just had a graphic dream of her own suicide?

Sam did her best to be reassuring. "I miss him too."

Carly bit her lip; she didn't want to tell Sam what she had really dreamed, but she did want to ask her something. "Sam, do you think Freddie dying is my fault?"

Sam paused the briefest of moments before answering as emphatically as she could, "No, of course not."

Sam continued to talk but Carly had no idea what she was saying. All she could think about was that Sam had paused before answering. Sam thought she was responsible for Freddie's death. Just as surely as Mrs. Benson thought it was her fault, so did Sam.

Eventually Carly realized Sam was asking her a question. "Yeah, I'm still here. Sorry, I'm just tired. How about going back to sleep?"

"No problem Cupcake. You need anything?" Sam was showing the caring side of her personality few people besides maybe her and Spencer ever saw. It was touching and for a moment Carly wished more people knew about it.

Carly gave Sam her best smile under the circumstances. "I'm fine. I'll see you later after we get up."

It was a particular quirk of Sam's that she could fall asleep in a moment most any time she wanted. Carly could hear her softly snoring by the time she pulled the covers back over herself. Sleep, however, did not come quickly for her. She lay in bed staring up at her ceiling thinking.

Carly kept thinking about her dream. It was possibly the most vivid dream she had ever had. The thought of suicide was alien to her; never in her life had she considered the possibility, but the dream made her reconsider. She remembered how at peace she had felt making the preparations. How things felt…she fumbled for the right words in her mind…balanced. She decided it felt good because she was making up for Freddie. She was the one who should have been hit by the truck, she was the one who should have died. She could help make up for Mrs. Benson's grief, even possibly Sam's, by giving up her own life.

The night Freddie woke up she had sincerely prayed to God and asked him to let Freddie wake up. God did answer her prayer by letting Freddie wake up, but he had also cruelly rebuked her by letting him die mere hours later. Was she meant to die that day instead? Carly thought about praying and asking God for guidance again, but decided it wasn't necessary. She thought God had already given her an answer.

* * *

It was the Friday after Freddie's funeral and Carly and Spencer were having a mild argument. It was Socko's birthday and Spencer was going to skip their annual night fishing birthday ritual because he didn't want to leave Carly alone for the night. Melanie was visiting and Sam was having dinner with her and their mother; she was going to spend the night again but couldn't make it over to Bushwell Plaza until later in the evening.

Carly and Spencer were standing behind the couch. Carly had her hands on her hips with what Spencer privately referred to as her "pissed off look". "It's Socko's birthday and you do this every year. You can leave me alone."

Spencer was growing tired of the argument. "It's so soon after Freddie, I'm not sure you should be alone."

"Come on Spencer, I can't spend the entire rest of my life with you or Sam right by my side. What do you think I'm going to do anyway?"

Spencer sighed, he had worried that Carly might harm herself in the throes of her depression or do something plain stupid like start drinking. He didn't want to tell her that, however, in case it would upset her more. "Maybe I don't want you to have a boy up here, you're getting older and…growing up." Spencer really didn't mean it and he knew Carly knew he didn't mean it, which somehow made him crack a smile.

Spencer's smile was contagious and Carly cracked one of her own. "Go have fun with Socko. You need to get out and have some fun. Don't worry, there will be no boys up here to steal my innocence. Promise."

Spencer couldn't help laughing. "That's the last time I ever want to hear you use that phrase with me. Ok, ok, I'll let Socko know I'm coming."

Carly embraced her big brother, "Wish him a happy birthday for me." Carly had an ulterior motive for hugging Spencer; she did not want him to see the look of sadness on her face Carly was certain had to be there. If he knew what she was planning to do he wouldn't care one bit about her innocence.

* * *

Spencer said his farewell to Carly and was out the front door with all of his fishing gear. Carly sat on the couch and absent-mindedly watched television for another 15 minutes, making sure Spencer was truly on his way. Once she was certain he wasn't coming back she hurried upstairs. It was time to put her plan into action.

First she took a long, hot shower, including thoroughly washing her hair. After that she dried her hair and styled it as best she could. Once that was done she carefully did her makeup. It occurred to her that if Spencer came home now and caught her he would probably think she really was having a boy up to the loft. Despite the grim task ahead of her, this thought made her chuckle quietly to herself. She searched through her closet until she found the dress she was looking for. Another five minutes of searching produced the shoes she needed.

Once she had the dress and shoes on she examined herself in the mirror. She was wearing the exact outfit and shoes she wore the night of the girl's choice dance, when she and Freddie had shared that wonderful slow dance in the Groovy Smoothie. Spencer hated the dress, he thought it was too short and revealing, in fact that's about the time he started worrying about her innocence. Freddie loved it, however, and it was for him that she chose it.

Satisfied with her appearance, she went to her dresser and pulled out three envelopes hidden inside her underwear drawer. She checked to make sure the right letters were inside the right envelopes. There was one for Spencer, one for Sam and one for Mrs. Benson. Once finished she left her room after taking one more look. From there she walked up the stairs to the iCarly studio. The room was dark; Carly did not turn on the lights. Instead she kept the room in shadows. Without Freddie the room did not have the same sense of warmth and joy for her. Now it was just an empty room.

Quickly she made her way down the stairs to the first floor. She placed each of the envelopes on the kitchen table where she was sure they would be found. She hoped the letters would be enough; she had used Spencer's and Sam's to apologize and explain her reasons. They had been difficult to write; Mrs. Benson's was much easier. She had simply wrote, "I am so sorry, this is all my fault. I hope you can forgive me someday."

Pausing at the front door, Carly took a last look at her home. It was her haven and sanctuary at one time, but no longer. It was time for her to make up for what she had done and atone for her sins. She had to pay her penance for Freddie.

Locking the front door behind her, she quickly hurried to the elevator, not wanting to accidentally run into Mrs. Benson. Once the elevator arrived she entered and pressed the number for the top floor of Bushwell Plaza. There was a door for a stairway on the top floor that led to the roof. The door was supposed to be kept locked but the lock had been broken for years and had never been repaired. She and Sam went up to the roof at times when they wanted to hang out without Spencer lurking around.

There was a strong breeze as Carly stepped out onto the roof. The night was cloudy and not much moonlight was able to break through. Carly thought she might be scared at this point but found that wasn't the case. Just as in her dream she felt no trepidation at all and knew that what she was doing was right.

She approached the ledge of the building at the corner to the right of the side of the front entrance. As she peered over the edge to the street far below she allowed herself to feel a little sadness over the effect her actions would have on Spencer and Sam. She hoped they would be able to help each other through their shared grief. She had even asked Spencer to look out for Sam in his letter while asking the same thing of Sam in hers.

Carly took off her shoes and carefully stepped up on the ledge. The breeze slowed and she found that she could easily balance herself. She waited to see if any second thoughts would come. None did; she looked up towards the sky and spoke her last words, "Don't worry God, I'm making up for Freddie."

With those words Carly spread her arms out and let herself fall forward, her momentum taking her over the edge. She closed her eyes as she fell faster and faster, her body reaching a speed that was beyond fatal. Before she struck the ground the last thought Carly had was that she hoped neither Sam nor Spencer would see her on the sidewalk.

* * *

Carly woke up to the sensation of someone stroking her hair. It was a pleasant feeling and she reveled in it, not wanting to open her eyes and possibly break the illusion if she was dreaming. She then felt a pair of lips kiss her softly on the temple and call her name. "Carly, wake up." Recognizing Freddie's voice she immediately sat bolt upright, almost bumping her head into his.

Looking around Carly could see, even in her somewhat groggy state, that she had woken up in a meadow, the most serene and possibly beautiful outdoor scene she could imagine. The grass was a deep green and extremely lush; there were tall trees off in the distance. The temperature was warm, but not too warm, and a mild breeze was blowing. It was peaceful, she felt like she could stay there for eternity; and sitting in front of her on his knees was Freddie.

The cobwebs cleared quickly and Carly remembered just what she had done. "Freddie, is it really you?" She reached out and touched his left cheek with her right hand. Freddie remained motionless, his face showing a mostly blank expression, the barest trace of a smile present. Pulling her hand slowly back, Carly smiled, "It worked, didn't it? It's really you." At this point Carly noticed Freddie wasn't smiling and didn't seem as happy as she would have hoped.

"It's really me Carly, and yes, you're dead." A slight note of resignation escaped his voice.

Carly sensed something was bothering Freddie. "What's the matter?"

Freddie looked in every direction but Carly's. Finally he replied, still not looking directly at her. "It's that you're dead."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

Freddie sighed loudly. "When I woke up in the hospital I couldn't remember what had happened. All I knew was that I was happy you were safe, and that's all I cared about. To be honest, though, I thought I would have done the same thing for Spencer, Gibby and even Sam. In the hospital I couldn't remember anything after a certain point that morning, but I knew I would want everyone, especially you, to be safe."

Freddie paused. Carly didn't think Freddie was finished and did not interrupt. After a few heartbeats he continued, "Once I got here I remembered everything. I mean literally everything in perfect clarity and detail. I remember every detail of the street when you started to cross. I remember the look on Sam's face and every person within viewing distance when we realized you couldn't hear us. I remember running for you as fast as I could and pushing you out of the way. I remember the truck slamming into my body; I can remember the exact moment when my bones broke and my legs were crushed and exactly how it felt. I can remember everything of what happened, but do you know what I remember the most? What memory pushes all of the others away? In that moment when I realized that truck was going to run you down, I knew with absolute certainty and no doubt whatsoever, that I loved you more than anything else in existence. I loved you more than any other possibility in the universe, including myself. I knew that I loved you so much that I would gladly and without hesitation trade my life for yours."

"Do you understand Carly? I wanted you to live so badly at that moment. I was willing to trade my life so that you could enjoy a long and happy existence. I wanted you to have fun with Sam, fall in love, have a family, grow old in peace; I wanted you to know the best of what life has to offer. Instead…instead…"

"Your sacrifice was in vain, because I wasted the opportunity that you gave to me." Carly was not feeling so good; all the sudden she could understand Freddie's unhappiness. The feelings of guilt that had driven her to take her own life began to flood back. "I'm sorry, I really am. I understand if you're mad at me and want me to go."

"No Carly, God no, I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you; I still love you more than anything in creation. I'm mad at myself." Freddie's face softened; he scooted closer to Carly so they were facing each closely sitting on their knees and took both of her hands into his own and brought them to his lips. He locked his eyes with Carly's, registering the slight confusion apparent on Carly's face.

Freddie continued, "I'm mad at myself because I am so glad you're here. Believe me, I really wanted you to live a long and fulfilled life and I know that Spencer and Sam must be grieving horribly right now."

Carly inwardly winced at the mention of Spencer and Sam. That was still the one thing she regretted about what she had done, putting both of them through the incredible guilt and sorrow of losing her so soon after Freddie. She wished there was some way to comfort them from wherever she was now; she tried to explain herself with her suicide notes, but she doubted they were enough. She did not explain this to Freddie, just nodded slightly to indicate he should go on.

"I am so sorry that you felt the need to give up your own life and that they must be hurting so much right now, but I just can't bring myself to be sad for them. I am feeling guilty because right now none of that matters; I would rather be happy with you here with me for an eternity than with them for the next 60 or 70 years. It's selfish and it doesn't make me a good person and that's why I'm mad at myself."

Carly did not know what to say to all of that. She remembered what she did when a similar situation presented itself in the hospital after Freddie had woken up. She quickly leaned in and without any warning pressed her lips deeply against Freddie's. Freddie was momentarily surprised but quickly responded to the kiss and began to return it fervently. Time lost whatever meaning it currently had as the two of them began to give in to the passion that had been building between them for years.

Eventually they broke away from each other long enough for Carly to whisper, "If you're a selfish person then so am I. I don't regret what I did and I would rather spend eternity with you now than live 70 years missing you and wondering what if."

Freddie kissed her deeply on the lips one more time and then stood up. He helped Carly to her feet and took a long look at her. "You know I've always loved that skirt on you."

Carly smiled, it was a somewhat mischievous smile that she rarely displayed, "I know, that's why I wore it. I was hoping I'd be wearing it when I saw you."

Freddie noticed she was barefoot, "Too bad about your shoes."

"I wasn't wearing any when I…you know. Considering where we are now I guess it's for the best."

Freddie agreed, "Good point. I think you have some at home."

Carly was puzzled. "Home?"

"I apparently have a house just over the hill over there. It has everything I need. This morning women's clothes and shoes appeared, seemingly in your size too. I guess someone knew you were coming." Freddie smiled and took Carly's hand and began to lead her toward what was seemingly home.

As they walked Carly took in her surroundings. A final question came to her, "Freddie, where are we?"

Freddie stopped and took a hard look around. He shook his head and looked at Carly, marveling again at just how beautiful she was. "I don't know, but as long as you are here with me I'm going to consider it Heaven."


End file.
